You're Not Going To Leave Me Alone With Those Freaks!

One of my favorite novels I've read in the past few years was Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar. I found it relatable in many ways, dealing myself with some of the issues she discussed in the book. Thus it was a pleasure finding a quote in part five, The Captive, today that mentioned an analogy that is much like the one that binds together the theme of Plath's novel.

"Even if one lives under the equivalent of a bell jar, associations of ideas, memories, continue to act upon us." (Proust, 17)

The topic on which Proust was writing was also one near to me, making the discovery of this passage even more poignant for me. He was discussing, as he has been for sometime, his fear of Albertine's possible involvements with other lovers in her past, and possibly, her present. While it is not necessarily a fear of any other lover, but rather of a female lover, that has Proust in a state, his sentiments are universal for any of us who has had a relationship with a person who was...not the most forthcoming about their activities past or present.

To sling another quote, 

"It is better not to know, to think as little as possible, not to feed one's jealousy with the slightest concrete detail." (Proust, 17)

Here, heartbreak occurs across hours and minutes both alone and together with one's partner. Reading these novels has catapulted me through an emotional obstacle course of reminiscence and nostalgia, inevitably bringing me back to several times in my life where this sentiment was absolutely part of my mindset. The thought that not knowing is possibly better than having the full reveal is solely indicative of an unhealthy situation, which I'm sure Proust will remark upon later in his normal way of examining the past. For some reason, though, it was only through the lens of Proust's work that I realized this.

I have painted so many elements of my past in shades of rose and gold, treating them to the sweetening of memories by the passage of time. Certain realizations have become inescapable for me, and it is drastically changing how I understand my present. While I was not expecting any effect like this, I cannot begin to express how important these changes are. 

Cause and effect are very real components of life. I cannot shoulder the blame any longer for effects I did not cause. I was raised Catholic. I have enough guilt without giving myself any extra.